Canadian Olympic Men’s Hockey Team To Fill Open Roster Spot by Adding Elite Recreational Beer Leaguer
The Canadian Olympic men’s hockey team should be required by law to reserve one roster spot for an elite recreational beer leaguer. There could be a contest to determine who gets the spot. Like: “hardest shot” or “who can skate backwards the quickest around the face off circle without falling down”.
Why shouldn’t they? It’s bullshit they only consider NHLers. By only focusing on NHL talent they are openly ignoring 99.7% of adult Canadian hockey players.
There are only 304 Canadian born hockey players in the NHL. There’s triple that alone on my Thursday night spares list.
Can you imagine getting that roster spot? What it would be like to walk in the dressing room and meet your new teammates? All of them: NHLers with millions of dollars and hundreds of Instagram followers. There’s Crosby. McDavid. Mckinley. And then: The Recreational Beer Leaguer.
Look at him. Tying his skates. Ball cap on backwards. Chewing something. 12 year old under armour. He wants to tape his stick but he’s gonna leave that old tape job on there because he’s self conscious about his taping technique and how he has to use two hands and could never quite master the two fingered tape job despite practicing it for hours in his basement. He should have removed the old tape before he got on the plane. It’s too late now.
Picture him folding his arms across his chest for the CBC promo. Staring into the camera. Nodding. This could be you.
This should be you.
The average Joe. He drives a Volkswagen Atlas because his wife made him trade his truck. He’s an everyday working man, clocking 32 hours per week as a work-from-home human resource consultant. He doesn’t talk about politics or religion. He swears a lot. His ass is itchy. He’s semi open-minded. Last Christmas he drank a non alcoholic beer. He pays the damn mortgage. His parents gave him his down payment as a 42nd birthday present. He’s an Executive member at Costco.
And now. He’s logging a minimum 120 seconds of ice time per game in Milano Cortina for Team Canada (due to the contest’s contractual terms enforced by legal counsel representing Boston Pizza). His dad will be time tracking shifts from the bleachers using his daughter’s smartwatch.
He carries the weight of a nation on his shoulders. And he finds his back a little bit.
Keep your head on a swivel, kid.
All the best,
{Completely unrecognizable scribble of a signature}
