Encouragement Kills Praise

Reflecting on the power of encouragement. Especially in relation to its ugly twin brother: praise.

I used to joke that “I thrive on praise”. I would even say “Praise is my love language.”

Ha! It always made the person I was talking with laugh. In that self-deprecating style. If I can make someone laugh I generally consider that to be a good days work. So I continued joking around about praise, stacking up cheap laughs, and feeling mediocre.

And: it was kind of sort of true. I like being acknowledged. But I knew it wasn’t the absolute truth. It wasn’t just about praise. I knew I wasn’t that shallow. I’m deeper. Dammit.

Then I learned about encouragement. That’s it! All these years - it wasn’t praise that was floating my boat. It was encouragement.

What I recently learned:

Encouragement is more powerful than praise. Praise is about the past (what I did); encouragement is about the present and future (who I am / what I’m doing).

It’s the difference between being handed a trophy and being handed a canteen of water.

Shit! Remember that. It’s the difference between being handed a trophy and being handed a canteen of water.

Praise is judgmental (even when it's positive). It focuses on the result, the "extremely successful" outcome, and the "amazing" project. It’s a static evaluation that often feels heavy. I may feel like I don’t deserve it. Or I may feel pressure to maintain it.

Encouragement, however, is about courage (to put heart into). It focuses on my spirit, my effort, my movement.

Encouragement meets us exactly where we are.

Two strategies for inviting more encouragement into my life:

1) Start encouraging others. What goes around comes around.

2) Encourage myself.

I’ve been changing the "voice" in my head from a judge to partner.

Instead of saying "I'm successful," or “I failed” I say, "I'm navigating this really well, especially considering how steep the learning curve felt today."

Instead of judging my intelligence, I encourage my resourcefulness. "I might not have the quickest answer, but I have the persistence to find the right one. Keep going."

If I hit a wall, encouragement says, "I haven't figured this out yet, but look at how much ground I've already covered."

I am currently learning how to be the person who handles this.

I’m going to stop joking around about praise and start embracing encouragement.