Self Doubt Place
It’s a cul-de-sac, not a boulevard
I still have self doubt about sharing my work. Not yet comfortable with my humanity, heart, nor soul. Even after publishing and sharing my book. I’m still uncomfortable. I thought my book release would have slayed this dragon. Nope.
The Blades Beneath My Feet was an insane act of vulnerability of which I am exceptionally proud. So why do I still cast such a shadow of doubt?
Part of me fears judgement. The tribal part of my brain wants to blend in. I try talking to this part: “Tribal Bryan, just because Expressive Bryan grabs a microphone and starts talking doesn’t mean we are going to lose everything that is important to us. You are safe.”
I’m still so shy. It’s amazing to me that I’m a 38 year old man with a career, wife, and family and I’m still fucking shy. My 25 year old self would have thought I would have this figured out by now. My 25 year old self thought if a man was stable enough to maintain a career, committed enough to marry, and brave enough to raise kids then everything else would fall in place for said man. Man = complete. My 35 year old self thought this, ffs. I was ranting about this to an old friend. He said “Bryan, just because you have a family doesn’t necessarily mean you’re enlightened.” HAHA. We laughed. I mean. Yes, he was being funny. And he also hit the nail on the head. A subconscious part of my brain thinks traditional societal success metrics equals health.
A blog post I wrote in 2025 called Another Confrontation about an argument I had with a softball umpire included this reflection:
As much as I want to be the cool calm and collected guy all the time. I’m not. It’s phony to pretend to be. Sometimes stuff pisses me off and I’m upset irrational and out to lunch.
Back to the 38 year old present moment: I know there is no solving the puzzle. There is just learning and relearning, cycling and spiraling, adjusting and going again. That’s plenty. What a buffet. Life keeps gifting me new challenges. I’m so lucky.
My shyness is a weakness in my personality. The only way I can think to make a weakness strong is to build it up. I build the muscle by working the muscle. Reps reps reps.
So now when I observe my shyness creeping up here in the 38 year old present moment I have to start flicking light switches on and off, sounding alarms, and ringing bells. I have to lean into whatever is making me uncomfortable and take it on - and not hide away.
Now I have to rise up and face my shadow.
What are the alternatives? Retreating into comfort? Distracting myself with nonsense? Embracing a fictional story where the truth is slaughtered and I’m the hero?
Those paths are so well worn I could rollerblade down them. An easy path? Yes. A good path? No.
Easy is not better
Although I may discern
To wrap myself in comfort
Is to cage a freedom bird
^From my poem The Lessons I Have Learned
I see the road of doubt; with leaves no step has trodden black.
The road less travelled by, indeed.
I choose the road of doubt
And welcome my discomfort
Temptation felt to numb it
Accepting what comes of it
^From my poem I Choose the Road of Doubt
